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I miss jerking off in the steam room, just as something to do to break up my day.”Ī National Institutes of Health study of 1,051 gay men, published in April, found 69 percent reported decreased quality of life in the pandemic, with 73 percent reporting increased anxiety. and sharing physical space with the community-the catharsis of that, the political project of gayborhoods. The gym, the bars, everything.” Sean, 39, who requested anonymity because his parents aren’t privy to his setup, enjoyed a gilded coterie of paramours in his open relationship with his fiancé in Boston not so in lockdown: “So much of gay coming of age is moving to New York or San Francisco or L.A. "There was a really immediate, visceral resistance to not being sexual.” Danny Wein, 28, a communications strategist in San Francisco, felt disoriented: “My sex drive, which was very high, fell off a cliff, and it was a very unsettling feeling in a city where cruising is par for the course in my daily routine-or was. How We're Redefining Our Dating Deal BreakersĬourtney Harvier, 33, a photographer in Brooklyn, rebelled hard against the isolation: “I had this super-averse reaction to not having sex: If I can’t do this, I’m just going to be a camboy and start taking all these videos and sending them to people-ass pics and dick pics, sending them out to all the people I’ve ever found attractive on Instagram," he told me.
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Sexually sequestered with empty beds, the men I spoke with have been forced to reckon with who they are without active sex lives-some for the first time since coming out. Gay life has always been rooted in active sex, but the pandemic upended that, compelling a kind of self-consciousness for untold swaths of gay men, especially single gay men. Broadly, nearly half of gay Americans are single, compared to 29 percent of straight American adults. In their lifetime, gay men aged 35 to 39 on average reported 67 sexual partners, according to one study, far more than the 12 lifetime partners of their straight counterparts. “I felt like I was dipping my pen in a poisoned well-physically, emotionally, spiritually poisoned. In 20 minutes, I’d have whatever topping I want,” he said of his pre-pandemic life. This year, since the start of pandemic protocols in March, he’s done nothing more than a mutual masturbation session in June. Last year, Barrett, a fortysomething architect in North Carolina who traded candor here for anonymity, had sex with a little more than 200 men.